Stress by the Bushel

When "It's been a week," how can we best support our friends, family, and coworkers? We can ease the burdens of others even if we are unable to remove its source.

It’s been a week. When a friend, family member, or coworker makes that statement, we all know what that means—stress by the bushel. Part of the benefit of writing weekly is that I am able to quickly address issues and topics that are top of mind instead of using canned material written months ago.

And let me tell you—this week—has been stressful for a whole host of people, including my children. When those close to us carry a burden, we carry it too, even if it is not ours to bear.

I would venture to say that most of us care about fellow humans within our orbit. And we wish to in some small way ease the burdens of others, even if we know we are unable to remove the source.

But how? How can we best be supportive, truly supportive, of those with the week from h, e, double hockey sticks?

Regardless of its source and associated set of worries and consequences, stress is stress. It is valid no matter who is experiencing it or why. Never minimize the circumstances or someone’s feelings. Even with good intentions, brushing off what someone has been strong enough to vocalize serves only to isolate and cause more damage to them.

Let’s take a moment to unpack that phrase “strong enough to vocalize.” When you are going through it (like really going through it), one of the hardest things to do is to speak up and say “I am not okay.” All the little alarm bells go off internally warning of what others will think. If we want to destigmatize internal pain, it goes both ways. One, we need to normalize speaking about our struggles, whether they start as a five-alarm fire or slowly build from the smallest spark. Being unafraid to voice the reality you are living opens the door for others to follow and step out of the shadows of silence. Two, when someone takes that brave step to tell you things are falling apart—my God, stop and listen! Start with being a decent human being. Then move on to listening more than you speak, validating their experience, asking open-ended questions to allow the person to discuss and think through the situation, and determining something actionable you can do afterwards. Maybe that actionable step is checking in on them, or a hand-written note, or a coffee date.

Compassion is not convenient. It does not book a time slot on your calendar when it is most advantageous for you to show up. Rather, it requires you to prioritize humanity over everything else. Check in on your community regularly. If they need support, be the person who stops instead of the person who runs the other way.

When stress arrives at our door, it affects our ability to rationally and effectively come up with solutions. Overwhelming our regulation system, we shut down in one way or another, which is why those check-ins are so critically important. Discussing the totality of the situation with a trusted person allows for the free flow of communication that will uncover steps and strategies that are rational, effective, and able to be built on. For the listeners, go one step further and sit with them as they take those baby steps one at a time. Maybe it is sending an email or scheduling an appointment or making a list or prioritizing. Many hands make light work and never is that more true than with coping skills.

In the age of distraction, our phones and gadgets scream out for attention. And we lie to ourselves that doomscrolling will alleviate our current state of being. About the only thing they are good for is transporting you through a time vortex, spitting you out a couple hours later, and oftentimes for the worse. When the load is unbearable, put as much distance as possible between you and the rectangular technological time thieves. The best thing to do? Go outside for a walk or secrete yourself in a quiet place to practice meditation. Your brain will rebel against either of these two actions being helpful but push those thoughts aside. That is the stress shutting down valuable strategies. To the trusted friends—don’t suggest they go for a walk—tell them you are both going for a walk.

Even the most hellacious weeks have hidden joys, small but notable. Find three things that brought joy. Maybe that cup of coffee was really good, or the weather was actually beautiful, or the birds were chirping on a walk, or someone expressed gratitude to you, or you tried a new recipe, or you finally got a chance to begin a new book. Guide others into discovering the joys we gloss over, forget about, or otherwise ignore. If we can identify the joys, we are assured that this too shall pass. Maybe not on our timeline, but eventually.  

Stress will never go away completely, but leaning on our fellow friends, family, and coworkers allows us room to cope, heal, and breathe. Improving how we interact as trusted friends strengthens our community and the overall ecosystem.

Yes, it has been a week. Let’s talk about it.