Toxic people threaten and directly affect our quality of life. How do we remove their influence, take back control of our own life, and find peace?
Let’s face it, we allow some people to inhabit way too much of our head space.
For better or for worse, whether it’s your bestie you’ve had since you were eight years old or that co-worker who is a harbinger for the apocalypse—no one should lay claim to the lion’s share of your internal thoughts except you.
Sure, everyday fluctuations may require more thought and reflection about a particular someone else. That’s perfectly normal. But consider the long-range view. Who are the ones who consistently show up in your internal feed? And how long do they remain there? Are you better or worse for it?
Think about that toxic influence, who may be anyone from a co-worker, a family member, a neighbor, an ex, etc. If you need some help figuring out who this may be, it is the person who causes you to unconsciously take a deep breath and close your eyes when you see them, or the one you try to avoid at all costs, or the one with the supernatural ability to immediately change the color and outlook of your day.
Yep, that one. Being completely honest, you do not even have to physically see them for your overall health and mood to take a hit. Once they come into view or you are made aware of their presence or something sparks a memory to bring them to the forefront, your brain goes into overdrive. Like an internet search engine, memories and feelings appear one after the other, so many as to create a virtual multipage listing of results. Select which page you want to view.
It's completely unwanted and slightly maddening. After all, we would prefer our life to exist without the influence or reminder of that person.
Before we get to how to manage the situation, first determine what category that person should be placed in. Must they remain in your life, should they be removed, or do they inhabit the gray in-between? Think carefully about your categorization. Certain people must stay in your life to some degree (i.e. those you share children with or co-workers you have no supervisory control over), but to categorize someone here simply because you share DNA is disingenuous.
Now for the handling part.
Set boundaries. Boundaries protect you and set limitations and expectations, but to be effective they must continually be reinforced. Build them to weather the Cat 5 guilt trips, the emotional upheaval, the whining, the rages, the out-of-touch mindblowers, and the passive aggressive motions. Stand by these boundaries, even when it’s uncomfortable. If you sacrifice your boundaries, you sacrifice your peace. Which is more important?
Remove toxicity from your sphere. You can wait for that toxic influence to move to greener pastures (or more willing victims), or you can make the choice to remove yourself from their reach. I will let you guess which one is quicker. The point I want to drive home is this: you always have a choice. It may not be a great choice, but you always have a choice. If the issue is that Karen of a neighbor, you can adjust the timing of your activities so you don’t have to deal with her, or you can start looking for a new place to live. If the issue is a co-worker, you can request to move to a different department or location or you can look for a new job.
Let it go. Seriously. If you have made the necessary steps to create boundaries or separate yourself from them, let it go. I guarantee you that they are not thinking about you, so spinning your wheels about the past or current situation serves no purpose but to further agitate your state of being. Learning to let go is never swift, particularly when there is a data dump of unresolved issues or an inability to forgive. Forgiveness takes time and a concerted effort. What I will say is that with enough genuine practice, forgiveness will come in its own time. Closure is never the objective. If you get closure, great! But expecting closure to arrive in the form of a perfectly wrapped gift box sets you up for disappointment. Place your focus and attention instead on your path, your goals, your values, and what brings you peace and happiness.
The time you dedicate to toxic individuals is time you are not focusing on your life. You have worth and value. Your peace is important.
And you always have a choice.
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